"What do you think Life is, little girl?"
"Life is what God gave me
when I was born, everybody has one!"
when you're small
you don't know the meaning of Reality
it's a sad day
when we Wake Up
She had those Pills
those damn
white
pills
Instructions:
Take one before bed every night
Take One
ha
The Bottle
dumped in her hand
all swallowed
downed with water
Confusion wrapped
around my little world
Tears wrapped around Sirens
Questions
Reality
when we realize
Life isn't Perfect
and neither are We
"What do you think Life is, little girl?"
"Life is what God gave us
when we were born.
Only God has the right
to take It away.''
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9 comments:
Instead of telling us Nothing, can bring back
the Innocence of a Child, the "remix" shows us you can bring back the innocence of a child with the dialog. And some of the organizational changes gave the poem a better flow.
I agree with sam. this shows you that you that you can bring back the innocence of a child.
the end reiterates the questiong 'What do you think life is, little girl.' and the answer shows you that girl has grown up but still has some of the innocence of a child.
wow, i f***ing LOVE the message at the end...fine, cute. why you would tell me to say cute i do not comprehend. oh...i had something else to tell you. mmmbabieees...? i don't think that was it. OH WELL lata playa!
I noticed that you gave us an example of what kids think life is. It gives readers something to compare the reality of the poem with. Your use of instructions for the pills really emphasizes the extremity of the situation. Great job!
Interesting changes. I noticed you added the quote between the child and adult (?) along with the instructions. There were also a couple more isolated words/phrases added such as " Questions" and "Reality" The overall tone seemed to change from somber to almost sarcastic when you changed " Take one
ha"
The title makes it seem like this is an actual song. Especially the beginning where it's like a conversation because I'm sure you've heard songs where people talk in the beginning. It's really cool.
I also really like the "ha" you added at the end of the 4th stanza.
Oh, and the ending as well is really cool because it goes back to that conversation...yeah.
Great job.
Right. So I don't mean to, but when i read the ending conversation (Which you added. ho ho.)I imagine you on a spinny chair twirling around and talking in your sarcastic little baby talk voice.
ANYWAYS....
I like how you added in the instructions part. Because it gives the sort of bitter sarcastic feeling. I really do like the little conversation between the two at the beginning and then the end which ties it back to the beginning. So it's like a round about. In poem form.
My favorite part is the end where you changed it. About how you added that question and you related it to god. The rest of the poem had more of a flow to your poem compared to your other one. see you did a good Job!!
I love how you added "What do you think Life is, little girl....?" I think it's awesome how you decided to start your poem with a question. I also think it's pretty cool how you brought back that line again in your last stanza. Awesome. :)
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